In the Dream House: A Memoir by Carmen Maria Machado - chapter 1
First published in Great Britain in 2020 by Serpent’s Tail
an imprint of Profile Books Ltd
29 Cloth Fair
First published in the United States of America in 2019 by Graywolf Press
Copyright © Carmen Maria Machado, 2019
Some of the material in this book was previously published in Catapult, Los Angeles Review of Books and Medium. Excerpt from The New Sappho by Jim Powell. Copyright © 2007 by Jim Powell. Reproduced with permission of Oxford University Press through PLSclear. ‘Ghost House’ reprinted from For Your Own Good by Leah Horlick (Caitlin Press, 2015). Used by permission. Lines from ‘Labrador’ by Aimee Mann © 2012 Aimee Mann (ASCAP). Used by permission. All rights reserved. Lines from ‘Voices Carry’ by Aimee Mann, Michael Hausman, Joe Pesce and Robert Holmes © 1985 ’Til Tunes Associates (ASCAP). Used by permission. All rights reserved. CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE® is a trademark of Chooseco LLC and is registered in the United States and may be registered in jurisdictions internationally. Used here with permission.
Front cover photo © Getty Images
Cover concept: gray318
All rights reserved.
This publication is made possible, in part, by the voters of Minnesota through a Minnesota State Arts Board Operating Support grant, thanks to a legislative appropriation from the arts and cultural heritage fund. Significant support has also been provided by the McKnight Foundation, the Lannan Foundation, the Amazon Literary Partnership and other generous contributions from foundations, corporations, and individuals. To these organizations and individuals we offer our heartfelt thanks.
The events described in this book represent the recollections of the author as she experienced them. Dialogue is not intended to represent a word-for-word transcription, but it accurately reflects the author’s memory and fairly reconstructs the meaning and substance of what was said.
The moral right of the author has been asserted.
All rights reserved. Without limiting the rights under copyright reserved above, no part of this publication may be reproduced, stored or introduced into a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise), without the prior written permission of both the copyright owner and the publisher of this book.
A CIP catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.
If you need this book,
it is for you
CARMEN MARIA MACHADO
You pile up associations the way you pile up bricks.
Memory itself is a form of architecture.
If you are silent about your pain, they’ll
kill you and say you enjoyed it.
—Zora Neale Hurston
Your mind indeed is tired. Your mind so tired that it can no longer work at all. You do not think. You dream. Dream all day long. Dream everything. Dream maliciously and incessantly. Don’t you know that by now?
—Patrick Hamilton, Angel Street